Before Pics (OMG!)

All I have to say is... What was I thinking??? I had NO idea that I was this big! And what in the heck was I smiling about??? Did I not see the camera pointed at me???

I am freaking out! I think I have the opposite body image than most anorexics have. I seriously had no idea how big I was (strike that.... AM)! Sure, I can look at a scale. But it does not translate in my mind! Recently, I cut my finger real bad and had to go to an urgent care clinic. I had to fill out tons of paperwork about my health. I had to check medical issues that I was dealing with or had dealt with in the past. I came to Obesity. Did I check that box? Of course not! I thought about it. And decided that I was chubby, not obese! I even thought about the fact that when I look at my height and weight on a chart and it says obese. Well, it must not be taking into account that I have BIG bones! My mom worked hard to raise with me with a good self esteem. I guess it worked! Maybe a little too well!

I think part of my lifestyle change is going to have to include taking photos and looking at myself every 3 months or so. I also am going to have to weigh myself every couple of weeks or so after I reach my goal. I probably need to pray and ask God to make me aware of what I am doing to my body when I am this overweight. In so many ways, I have felt invincible most of my life. I am also a pro at rationalizing. Come on.... Look at the pics... I'm chubby???? NOT! That last pic of me from behind needs a WIDE LOAD sign across my rear!

It's a fact. I am fat. I am obese. I can handle that.

The good thing is that I know I won't be obese a year from now. I even know that I will look much better than I do right now when summer comes.

Starving! Going to eat something... sensible!

Hear.... Car screeching to a stop

The scale said that I gained 5 lbs from yesterday!!!! I wanted to cry.... I wanted to scream... How frustrating! I have been eating so well and exercising too. I walked 3 miles yesterday. I guess it's possible that I am bloated or something since it's that time of the month. I will stick with it, of course. I just want to see more results fast!! I certainly don't want to see the scale going UP!!! When it comes to weight loss, I am an instant gratification kind of girl. Oh well, it is what it is.

I keep telling myself that I should only weigh once or twice a week. I just can't make myself do it.

My clothes are feeling a teensy bit looser I think. Who knows... maybe I am hallucinating!?!?!

I still need to take my pics. I will do it!

I have been drinking a lot of water. So that's a win.

Hope to post positive results soon!

My Thought Pattern is Already Changing

Well, first let me say that I walked 3 miles on Friday and the 3 miles yesterday too! We ate out yesterday so it was hard to add to my log. I think I ended up ok on calories, but my fat % was probably a little high. I'll give myself a day. But I am back to logging everything today! I will probably weigh twice a week. My plan is to weigh Tues or Wed of this week.

Now to the title of this post... When I open my eyes in the morning, I think about what I can do today to make my commitment to a healthy lifestyle come to fruition. It has just happened. I noticed that the last several days, the first thing I think in the morning is not that I want a diet coke! But I am kind of making a plan for the day. (I am NOT a planner by nature!) Today, I thought about jumping out of bed and taking a walk. I also reminded myself that I need to go to the grocery store. (I won't be able to make it through lunch and stick to the plan with what I have on hand.) In less than a week, I can see the changes in my thought patterns. I am already happier. I feel hopeful. I feel empowered. I am excited about my future. It's been a long long time since I have felt how I feel right now. And I know it will only get better!

As I think about it, I really want to encourage everyone out there to figure out something that they've really wanted to do for a long time and to take a step toward making it happen. The pay off will be far more than you can imagine.

It's in the Details...

I woke up with a bad headache this am. I didn't have enough calories again yesterday, nor enough water. It's funny. When you are eating really healthy, it can be hard to consume a lot of calories. I am eating a lot of grains, vegetables and fruits (and of course protein). One thing that was kind of eye opening for me this morning was this: Adding 1 teaspoon of butter to my toast had a huge impact on my % fat at breakfast... Do you know how LITTLE 1 teaspoon of butter is?!?! Not much! I literally got a measuring spoon and measured it. This is what it did to my #s for breakfast... Calories only went up by 34, but percent fat went up from 24% to 33%! That's a 38% increase in fat from 1 tsp of butter! See #s below.

Breakfast:

2 pieces whole wheat bread

1 whole egg

2 egg whites

1 tsp of butter

BEFORE BUTTER:

Grams Calories %-Cals Calories 271 Fat 7.4 67 24 % Saturated 1.6 15 5 % Polyunsaturated 0.7 6 2 % Monounsaturated 2.0 18 7 % Carbohydrate 29.0 116 42 % Dietary Fiber 4.0 Protein 21.4 91 33 % Alcohol 0.0 0 0 % Fat ( 24 %) Carbs ( 42 %) Protein ( 33 %) Alcohol ( 0 %)

AFTER BUTTER:

Grams Calories %-Cals Calories 305 Fat 11.2 100 33 % Saturated 4.0 36 12 % Polyunsaturated 0.8 8 2 % Monounsaturated 3.0 27 9 % Carbohydrate 29.0 116 38 % Dietary Fiber 4.0 Protein 21.5 91 30 % Alcohol 0.0 0 0 % Fat ( 33 %) Carbs ( 38 %) Protein ( 30 %) Alcohol ( 0 %)

I have come to the conclusion that it's in the details. It's so easy to overlook a little butter, a little of this or a little of that. So I have to be cognizant of what I am taking in. That's why logging my food intake is so important for me. I don't think I'll do it forever. But I will for a while. When I log my food, I am accountable. So I think twice before I eat something.

By the way, I got on the scale today and it said that I have lost 7.7 lbs! I know... sounds crazy. Could it be off? Yes, but I did weigh 3 times and had just gone to the bathroom. :) Also, if you've ever been really heavy, you know that you can drop weight like crazy as first. Anyhow, I tend to discount it and make excuses. As I think about it, I think... Take it! Own it! Be proud! You've done well. So I will. Yay me! ;)

Fajita Marinade for Chicken or Beef

Thought I would share healthy recipes that I have tried. Here's the 1st one...

Original recipe:

• 3 limes, juiced

• 2 green onions, chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 3 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
• 1/4 teaspoon ground coriander

Recipe that I made:

• 2 limes, juiced and 1 lemon juiced (I didn't have 3 limes)

• 1/2 medium yellow onion, chopped finely

• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/4 c (plus maybe a little more) chopped fresh cilantro
• 2-3 tablespoons olive oil
• 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
• 1 jalapeno finely chopped

• 1 teaspoon cumin

• 3-4 dashes of tobasco sauce

Whisk together. Marinate for 12-24 hours.

I used this on a whole chicken. I ran my fingers under the skin of the breast and put chunky marinade under skin too. Hubby grilled the chicken and it was delicious!

Quick Update

I did, in fact, walk 3 miles last night. It was a LOT harder than I thought it would be. I guess the weight and no exercise for so long has caught up with me. I used to say that I could walk however far. It's just walking! Well, I was feeling it yesterday. But I didn't give up! Yay me! Bracy and the kids were with me. If I had been by myself I probably would have hit 1 mile and headed back, ending up with 2 miles. I'm glad that I did what I set out to do. I was short on calories yesterday. I ended up at 1266 for the day. Here's the breakdown...

	Fat ( 21 %)		Carbs ( 43 %)
	Protein ( 36 %)		Alcohol ( 0 %)

Goal Today - Drink at least 80 oz of water. I know I need more. But I'll get there! Eat at least 1500 calories, but no more than 1700. These numbers are still WELL within a range for me to lose weight. The calculations show that I should be eating 2000 to lose weight. It just sounds like so much. At the same time, I don't want my metabolism to slow down.

Day 2 - I Realize that I've Been on Self Destruct

I went to bed hungry last night. Woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a mack truck. And have felt hungry most of the day. But I have stuck to my plan. I am using FitDay.com and tracking my food and percentages. One thing I haven't figured out is how many calories I need to be eating each day. But I just looked at my caloric intake today and I've only had 552 calories so far. I think that is too low this late in the day.

When Bracy gets home, we are all going to go for a walk. We have a 3 mile loop around our neighborhood. So it's easy to get in a good walk.

I haven't had much water today. I know... Shame shame... And I have had too much diet coke. I know... Shame shame... But I will do better. This is a process. I am not going to be perfect. But I can strive to keep doing better.

I was thinking this morning about how I got here... to XXX lbs... (not ready to divulge the big fat truth yet!) Anyhow, it's kind of funny that I was thinking about how I got here because I HATE looking back. I hate looking back at things and spending time figuring out why I did what I did or why I feel like I feel. I'd rather look forward and figure out how to change things. But this morning something was different. I really felt like I am supposed to figure it out because for long term success, I need to make some changes. So this is what I came up with, in no particular order...

My personality - Anyone that knows me knows that that's enough said. I am happiest when I fly by the seat of my pants. I am not a planner. I'd almost always rather do something that's fun than take care of something that needs to be done. I think about all the days that I would need to do stuff at my house, but instead would call Melissa to see what Syd and Spence were up to. I was always ready for an adventure!

Depression - Again, enough said... Depression and weight gain can be like the chicken and the egg. Did I get depressed which made me gain weight? Or did I gain weight which made me depressed? I'll come back to this because I think it ties in closely with the next point.

I don't take care of myself - I never have. I enjoy taking care of others much more. I would much rather clean someone else's house than my own. I would much rather make someone else a nice meal than myself. I would much rather love on someone else and encourage them than I would myself. And I don't know why I do this. I think part of it is that I just feel so good doing for others. I often think that I will do something for someone today and then take care of myself tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes. So I have to figure this out. I have to make myself a priority and not feel bad for doing it. If anyone has any input for me, I would love to hear it!! OK, I said I'd come back to the depression... I think I've been in a depression for a long time. I think the fact that I don't take care of myself has led to the depression. I think what I've fallen into is putting everybody else's worth and happiness above my own. I hate to even say this because it sounds like I'm being a martyr and that's not my point. I am also not saying that I have been doing a good job at taking care of everyone else these last few years. I know that I have neglected things that my husband would like me to do, take care of or change. I'm just saying that... of the little I have had to give, I didn't save much for me. It's not a self worth thing. I think it's a punishment thing. I remember times that I would be eating and I would be full. I would continue to feed my face, knowing how bad it was for me and knowing how miserable I would be. But that almost fueled the fire. I have been on self destruct. I just prayed asking God why I did this. I don't know if I got the whole answer. I think I need to pray about it more and see what I find out. When I prayed this is what I was thinking... Was I trying to self destruct because if I finally fell completely apart, someone would have to come in and put me back together? Whether it would be a doctor telling me that I HAVE to lose weight and giving me a drug to do it? Or my husband picking me up and holding me in his arms and telling me everything will be ok and that he would nurse me back to health? Or God gathering me up, holding me in his lap, wiping away my tears, kissing me on the forehead and telling me that he would finally give me the miracle that I have prayed for so many times... a new thin, toned, amazing body. Just like that! Snap of his fingers. Unfortunately, THAT miracle never came!

Who knows! But I think this is the key that I have to unlock. I have to figure out why it's so hard for me to take care of me. I hope the answer is quick to come!